How to make useful connections? What helps you build connections with influential people.
27.06.2017 10:53:17
“It all started when a friend recommended your course to me. At that time, I was in a strange state: I was dating a man who did not plan a serious future with me, outwardly I looked like a boy - a woman who was infatuated with her feminine side.
I completed the course assignments slowly, constantly overcoming internal resistance. I came back and did it again until it started to work out.
From the very first days, I hid 80% of all my clothes and began sewing and buying exclusively skirts and dresses. Now I have only two pairs of pants in my wardrobe and I can’t go about my business without putting on makeup and tidying up. Now I see what a powerful message comes from a person’s appearance, the ability to dress harmoniously, neatness, a smile (!)"
I would like to draw your attention: during the course we don’t just learn how to put on makeup and dress, but we also learn the basics of the profession of a makeup artist and stylist. This allows our cadets to increase their self-esteem!
"...A smile is my separate accessory, which is now always with me. The first thing men say when they meet is that it’s simply impossible not to approach a girl with such a smile!
More clients appeared, business contacts and connections were strengthened, because I began to make the most of any acquaintance, I constantly carry business cards with me, and talk about what I do.
I see that the ability to tell a “tasty” and exciting story is a very important quality of self-presentation, I’m working on it now. I also realized that it is very important to become a well-rounded, interesting person who can conduct and maintain an interesting conversation. From experience, I have become convinced that successful men have a very high degree of observation, they have seen a lot of things, been to a lot of places, so they are not interested in talking about simple or everyday things. They value the ability to create a mood and lightness of the moment, non-standard interesting conversation, and sincerity. And this is only possible when we manage to see a person’s soul and sincerely admire it, then real miracles happen. Thank you very much for this, Oksana!”
Yes, developing communication skills can work wonders. And the main criterion for passing the third month of the course (where we, in fact, master these skills) is new successful acquaintances. And a step up the social ladder.
"...Completing the tasks of the first two months, I waited with bated breath for the assignments of the 3rd month in journalism. The advice on training on cats is simply a brilliant idea! Animals feel very well when you stroke them with a desire to please, or vice versa sincerely, with all your heart souls admiring..."
This practice, although simple, is what allows our female cadets to comprehend the DAO and follow the right path. Through Femininity and Charm :).
“...So I began to sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, establish good eye contact with them, they, like people, feel it very quickly. Surprisingly, the animals themselves began to come up and shine.
The other day I came to visit a man I knew, and he was very surprised by the fact that his cat couldn’t get away from me. The main thing I took away from this task was the sincerity, simplicity and inner spontaneity of the child.
After the cats, I began a period of taxi drivers, I take a taxi every day, so there was a reason to go wild. At first it was difficult to start a conversation from scratch, but then I got the hang of it and realized that you can talk about absolutely anything, easily change topics and take the conversation in any direction. Then, after six months of working on additional materials, the period of real dating began.
Special and huge thanks to you for the communication algorithm! I printed it out and re-read it constantly. And I understand that when communicating with a man, or with any person in principle, the main thing is to carefully push your ego, bias, and value judgments into the background, and try to see the person first of all with the Heart. And then amazing things happen - sincere, frank conversations happen, all doors open, people try in every possible way to help.
I also really liked giving compliments. Men just go crazy about this. It turns out that no one tells them such simple things as how great they drive, how confident their movements are, how tactful, smart and attentive they are. This is a very big discovery for me, just one phrase, and it so easily attracts a person to you. And what is most important is not flattery, but the pure truth.
This period coincided with my work at an urban design school, where the main task was endless conversations with people, local residents, and business representatives. It's amazing how many conversation starters I've discovered for myself. You can discuss issues of city improvement with absolutely any passerby. Then I realized that this worries absolutely every person. I often discuss the city with men who are interesting to me, business owners, and as it turns out, this topic worries a lot of people. Sometimes I myself approach the man I like, I struggle with internal jitters, but I approach. The stupidest question, but the one that works in my case: “How do you feel or how do you feel about the fact that a girl comes up to meet you?” On the street or in a public place I can ask: “How do you feel about the city in which you live? Why?” In general, if something strikes me about a person’s appearance or clothing, I can calmly and without fear ask about it..."
If you continue in the same spirit, you will soon learn how to get new and useful connections out of nowhere, and forge money literally out of thin air. As a rule, such girls marry the best of the best :).
"...One of the results of the last month (very important for me!) - men immediately began asking for dates, before they were somehow afraid to approach, but then suddenly they began to court. Even former men perked up - they write letters, give compliments, give flowers and they say that they really want everything in my life to work out. Several fans are a very big achievement for me!.."
You have achieved the first stage of the DAO. And we realized that any quantitative actions necessarily turn into qualitative ones. Keep working on yourself. And what will happen next, I have already written :).
"...Another result: the number of clients has increased. I work for myself, and for me maintaining good relationships with clients is a very important component. I have a lot of male clients, and I see how they enjoy the process of working with me, because I ask a lot of questions, not only about work, but also about life, and I really listen to their answers.
Well, the most important result. A serious relationship began. I am initially in no hurry to take them into a romantic direction. We communicate a lot, go to the cinema, talk. This man helps me incredibly a lot with advice and deeds, despite the fact that we don’t have any intimate intimacy (!) Previously, I would always think that I would have to do something in return, but now I just relaxed and began to enjoy what was happening ".
Elena.
Gil Petersil © 2018 - Meetpartners LLC
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Of course, terminologically there are no “socialization traps”. However, in the process of integration into society, we may encounter various pitfalls along the way that interfere with organic interaction with other people. Let's try to figure out how they ruin our lives as adults and whether it's possible not to get caught in them.
Trap one: safety vs anxiety
It is believed that the most important age from the point of view of socialization is adolescence. However, according to psychologist Alana James, recent research suggests that childhood is key to shaping our social connections.
Babies are especially vulnerable because they are completely dependent on an adult. Crying is the only way for a defenseless newborn to get attention. The baby is ready to receive food and protection from anyone who can provide it. However, already at the age of three months he begins to respond to a specific person, and a seven-month-old baby demonstrates affection for at least one of the parents.
Psychologists say that these first social connections establish a pattern of attachment. Mary Ainsworth, who studies developmental psychology, identifies four patterns of attachment:
Reliable type: If a parent consistently meets the child's needs, holds him in his arms and tries to soothe him when he cries, then the baby feels safe. Already at an early age, he shows independence and autonomy, despite the fact that he is always happy to spend time with loved ones.
In the future, he will retain this feeling of security, formed by the confidence that the parent will come to the rescue, which means he will be self-confident and open towards other people. He is willing to be honest and straightforward in communication because he feels comfortable during communication.
Anxious-avoidant type: if in childhood a child did not receive attention from one of the parents or was completely deprived of parental presence, he begins to ignore loved ones who turned out to be emotionally and often physically unavailable to him. Ignoring someone who does not reciprocate is a natural response. Ainsworth notes that such children are not inclined to show affection, do not like to be held, and constantly try to escape from hugs.
The child demonstratively minimizes communication with the parent who “betrayed” him, showing indifference, although suffering is most often hidden behind the mask of feigned indifference. Growing up, such children often withdraw into themselves, trying to hide their true emotions, especially when it comes to disappointment and despair. It is incredibly difficult for them to establish connections with people, so many prefer distance to trusting relationships.
Anxiety-resistant type: like the previous one, this type also prevents adequate interaction with others. It occurs when the parent is not consistent in his actions, either satisfying the baby’s needs or neglecting them.
The child ceases to feel safe: the world seems to him to be a concentration of fear, because he is ruled by uncertainty. He is wary of people and feels uncomfortable in the absence of an adult.
Growing up, such children become passive and do not want to take part in active games. They often have a reduced interest in research and learning. Lack of security at an early age will lead to the child feeling that he is not worthy of attention and love. Consequently, he will be prone to codependent relationships and/or a constant search for confirmation of his worth.
Disruptive type: This type of attachment can also arise in the presence of the other three. Its important feature is that the parent, no matter how emotionally close he is, demonstrates behavior that is unusual for a loved one - screams or even uses physical force.
In such situations, the child experiences dissonance: the one who should care and protect shows aggression. This often causes psychological trauma. In addition, children with the disorganizing type are prone to dissociation. Their relationships with others are like a pendulum: they either take a step towards, striving for interaction, then again try to distance themselves, fearing that they may be harmed.
According to the study, only 60% of children have a secure attachment type: as they grow up, they not only make contact easier, but also cope with problems more easily. They evaluate their friends and partners from a positive point of view; in their relationships there is more trust, responsibility, compromise, and they are focused on the longevity of connections.
According to scientists, we are deprived of the ability to change the attachment model learned in childhood. But it affects not only what type of relationships we build with friends or lovers: subconsciously perceiving it as true, in the future we are more likely to apply it to our own children.
Trap two: friendship vs loneliness
Children begin to show interest in their peers even in infancy: they observe their activities and evaluate how they react to their cry, which is still the leading method of communication.
Preschool age is a transitional period between individual play and group activities. And, perhaps, the most aggressive time: we seem to test the strength of others, trying to determine the most acceptable means of interaction in order to achieve what we need, be it attention or a toy that we like.
From about the age of five, children begin to join the group. At the same time, they tend to spend more time in the company of same-sex peers: girls usually communicate in pairs or small, “chamber” groups, while boys more often stay in groups in which there is a competitive atmosphere. Psychologists note that at this age girls are at high risk of getting emotional disorders, while boys are at risk of becoming a victim of aggression.
By interacting in a group, children learn to analyze people's emotions and actions. Children who are popular in their group are more successful at this task, while children who are rejected by the group are less successful.
At this age, it is especially important for children to protect the boundaries of the accepted norm: if a child breaks the rules of the group (for example, behaves aggressively), he is expelled from it.
The ability to form friendships in the future will result in self-confidence and higher self-esteem. Friends tend to share their impressions, which means they learn to understand the very essence of their experiences and strive for more complex social interactions than simple everyday situations. In addition, in statistical studies, the presence of a friend is more often associated with harmonious relationships in the family, while the absence of a friend is associated with unemployment and lack of success. However, in this matter one should not diminish the influence of the socio-economic factor.
Trap three: involvement vs alienation
From about 11 years old, children begin to expand their immediate circle of friends: the connections formed at this time will then migrate into adolescence. In addition, groups become heterogeneous: it is in adolescence that we learn to be friends with the opposite sex. At the same time, the first relationships begin, however, most often they are of a superficial nature: the choice of a partner is usually determined by the similarity of social status and pleasant appearance. By the end of adolescence, these characteristics cease to play an important role, giving way to similarity of values and personal qualities.
Also during this period, social roles and trajectories such as popularity, rejection and ignorance are consolidated. Therefore, often people who offended others or, on the contrary, became victims of bullying, carry these behavior patterns into the next stage of life - youth. At the same time, having at least one friend protects a teenager from falling into negative scenarios of “rejection” and “ignoring.”
Since many parents worry about the negative influence of gadgets and the Internet, most children begin to actively use social networks only in adolescence, when they gain O greater independence. Meanwhile, communication in in social networks Today it is a full-fledged competitor to real communication. From the point of view of attachment, interaction on Facebook strengthens the connection with loved ones.
The good thing about this is that those feelings that cannot be expressed directly can easily be expressed in an email. By the way, people with an anxious-stable attachment type spend much more time on social networks than those with an anxious-avoidant attachment type; the latter are, in principle, more taciturn and secretive online.
In youth, of course, relationships with peers come to the fore, through which one learns one’s own identity and receives emotional support no longer from a relative who gives unconditional love, but from “another.” Although it cannot be said that parental affection is losing relevance - it simply becomes less noticeable, however, maintaining its influence on the grown child.
A 2013 study supports the idea that a secure attachment style continues to have beneficial effects on us into adulthood. Thus, such people adapt better in social life: at the age of 26 they have a higher IQ, the ability to control stress and build comfortable relationships is noted.
So, the influence of childhood is undeniable: in fact, it is it that prepares the basis for our worldview in adulthood. Will we be painfully attached to loved ones, afraid of losing them, or, on the contrary, will we avoid contacts? Do we strive for constructive relationships - or do we subconsciously want to hurt others, trying to avenge our own mental pain? I would like to answer that everything depends only on us, but, unfortunately, this is not always the case.
